


I Didn't Sign Up For This? ... I Think?

by Remember_to_write



Category: DCU (Comics)
Genre: Crack, F/M, Fluff and Crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-14
Updated: 2017-03-01
Packaged: 2018-09-22 17:00:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9616973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Remember_to_write/pseuds/Remember_to_write
Summary: This is a crack fic. I make no apologies for it either.Excerpt:“Excuse me, but there has been a problem. I am afraid I cannot issue a marriage certificate as you are already married.” The clerk said.“Wait, but neither of us has ever been married.” Dick said, panic sneaking into his voice.“Well, a Dick Grayson with your exact social security number has a marriage certificate registered in Clark County, Nevada. I am afraid until you sort this out, I cannot issue you a certificate.” The couple turned to go, but Barbara turned back. “Do you mind if we ask who he is married to?”The clerk pulled the information back up and found the answer. “A Mr. Roy Harper?”





	1. Turns Out I Did Sign Up For This (Prequel)

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by this post:  
> https://memento-scribet.tumblr.com/post/155839441956/late-night-conversations-with-cait-and-jo  
> (Both the post and this fic belong to me. Memento-Scribet is my writing blog and this is posted on there as well)

“Remind me again why we thought this was a good idea?” Wally asked as he surveyed the scene before him. There were so many casinos and neon signs that it was starting to give him a headache.

“Because we couldn’t let those two loose in Vegas. They would either burn this town down or rule it and neither would end up well.” Dick said as he grabbed his suitcase out of the trunk of the cab and nodded towards Jason and Roy.

Roy had already found a map and was marking places that he wanted to go.

“Okay, guys. Let’s check in and then we can go do stuff.” Dick said as he led the way into the hotel.

“Can we go to this bar first? They are supposed to have the best burgers in the world.” Roy said as they got in the elevator.

“Dude, it isn’t even three o’clock.” Wally said as they pushed the floor button.

“Look man, it is okay to admit you are a lightweight for a speedster.” Roy teased, nudging Wally with his elbow. Wally just sighed as Jay started humming something that sounded suspiciously like an Alan Jackson song.

The elevator ride was blissfully short and they found their rooms. As soon as they dropped their stuff, Roy was at the door ready to leave. “Alright, bitches, let’s go.” He moved out the door. “SPRING BREAK! WOO HOO!” They heard him yell as he walked down the hall. Dick could already feel a headache coming on and he hadn’t had a drop of alcohol yet.

Admittedly, the day wasn’t nearly as stressful as Dick originally thought it would be. Especially after Roy somehow managed to get Wally drunk.

“Dude, we are in VEGAS.” Wally slurred as he threw his arms around Dick’s neck.

“I know isn’t it magical? It is almost like being at Disney, but there aren’t any princesses.” Dick started pouting at the thought.

“Hey, dude, don’t be sad. I know what. You should get married.” Wally suggested, his eyes widening at this new epiphany.

“But who can I marry? Babs isn’t here.” Dick’s pout grew into a full grown frown. He brightened as he suddenly had a great thought. “I could marry you!”

Wally sat there in silence for several seconds before his eyes began to water. “But I’m supposed to be your best man. How can I be your best man if I am marrying you?” He sniffled

“Damn, you’re right.” Dick thought it over for a minute before turning to where Roy and Jason were sitting. “Hey, Roy, you wanna get married?”

Roy just looked at him a second. “Are you going to buy me a ring?”

“Probably not.” Dick answered immediately.

“Fair enough.” Roy shrugged and threw back the rest of his drink. “Let’s go get hitched, honey buns.”

He got up and turned to Jason. “You want to be my best man?”

Jason sighed and got up. “Not like I got anything better to do.”

The quartet left the bar without any set destination, but they somehow managed to find themselves in a gay marriage chapel.

The walls were plastered with so many pride flags it made Dick dizzier than he already was. They powered through the ceremony without any second thoughts or upset stomachs, although Jason did vomit in a bush as soon as they walked out the door. The beautifully arranged rainbow garden received a few more colors that day.

Roy hooked his arm through Dick’s and started pulling him back to the hotel. “Time to start the honeymoon, sweet cheeks.”

They decided to rent the honeymoon suite for one night. Jason and Wally escorted the lovebirds up to their new room and wished them well with smirks and winks before heading off to their own rooms.

Dick and Roy stood in the heart adorned room in silence. Neither of them knew quite what to do.

“So is this the part where we have rough sex until the break of dawn?” Roy asked as he turned to Dick.

Dick yawned into his hand before answering. “I am actually really tired and a little sick to be honest. Maybe some other time.”

“Oh…. So do you want to cuddle then?” Roy asked quietly.

“Sure.” Dick said as he moved towards the bed. “Hey, I have an idea. Since we are married now, we can share clothes.”

“Do you want to borrow my boxers?” Roy teased gently.

“Well, I didn’t buy you a ring so I think the least I can do is let you wear my underwear.” Dick laughed. They swapped underwear before getting into the heart shaped bed.

“So do you want to be the big spoon or the little spoon.” Dick asked through another yawn.

“Hold me, Dickiebird.” Roy said as he rolled to face away from Dick. They slept peacefully until they both woke up hungover the next morning. They didn’t question why they were in a heart shaped bed together. Sometimes you don’t want to know the answer.

Not one of the four men fully remembered what happened the night before. The only hint was a blurry picture Wally had taken when he snuck into the room at 3 o’clock to find Dick cradling Roy in his arms.


	2. I Didn't Sign Up For This... I Think?

“I cannot believe we are finally getting married.” Dick said as he and Barbara waited for the clerk to bring the papers.

“I know, it seems like whenever we get close, something happens and we have to postpone.” Barbara said with a sigh.

“Hey, nothing is going to happen this time. We are going to get married.” Dick said with a smile.

“Excuse me, but there has been a problem. I am afraid I cannot issue a marriage certificate as you are already married.” The clerk said.

“Wait, but neither of us has ever been married.” Dick said, panic sneaking into his voice.

“Well, a Dick Grayson with your exact social security number has a marriage certificate registered in Clark County, Nevada. I am afraid until you sort this out, I cannot issue you a certificate.” The couple turned to go, but Barbara turned back. “Do you mind if we ask who he is married to?”

The clerk pulled the information back up and found the answer. “A Mr. Roy Harper?”

Dick and Barbara stood there in shock for several moments, before he pulled her out of the office. They didn’t talk much about what had happened as neither of them could believe it. Dick dropped Barbara off at her apartment before heading back to his. He honestly was looking forward to the peace and quiet so he could try and figure out exactly what was going on.

He unlocked the door and swung it wide.

He was met with the sight of Koriand’r dancing around the room with headphones in and one of his t-shirts on.

Jason was sitting in the recliner with his glasses on, deeply absorbed in whatever he was reading.

And Roy…. was wearing a floral apron and reclining seductively on the table, waiting for him to walk in.

“Hey, honeybuns. Welcome home.” Roy said, fluttering his eyelashes.

“What. The. Actual. Fuck.” Dick said, still standing in the doorway.

“Now is that anyway to greet your happy little homemaker? I have dinner cooking.” Roy said as he hopped down from the table.

“What are you guys even doing here?” Dick asked, looking around the room.

“I decided it was best if I came to live with my hubby.” Roy said as he wrapped his arms around Dick’s neck.

“We aren’t married. We got drunk and signed some papers.” Dick said as he pulled away from Roy’s embrace. “Speaking of which, I need you to sign these.” Dick pulled out the divorce papers and laid them on the table.

“And what exactly are those?” Roy asked, putting his hands on his hips.

“Annulment papers. I need you to sign them so I can marry Babs.” Dick explained, holding out a pen.

“Um, I can’t sign this.” Roy said, moving past Dick to sit in one of the chairs.

“Why? It isn’t like we are actually married. I bet you cannot even remember us actually signing anything.” Dick said, his frustration beginning to show.

“Well, not that I want to sign those papers, hot stuff, but we haven’t even talked alimony yet. How am I supposed to maintain my lifestyle without a steady income? You always were the breadwinner in this relationship.” Roy said as he poured himself a glass of wine.

Dick rubbed his forehead. “Roy, I have never once given you money. You have been living entirely off of what money you and the other outlaws make.”

“We haven’t even mentioned child support or living arrangements.” Roy said, taking a sip of his wine.

“WE DON’T HAVE CHILDREN.” Dick yelled.

“I will have you know I have been the sole caretaker of Jason and Kori-” Roy started.

“They are adults!” Dick exclaimed.

“This is exactly why I have a wine problem.” Roy said as he took a large gulp of wine.

“Just. Sign. The. Papers.” Dick ground out.

“You know all this stress and wine isn’t good for the baby.” Roy said, his hand slipping to his rest over his lower stomach.

“It is physically impossible for you to get pregnant. For numerous reasons.”

“Not like you would know about any of that because you aren’t ever around.” Roy said, throwing back the rest of the wine. “Speaking of which, why are you never around? Is there someone else? I bet there is. My mother told me I wouldn’t be enough, but no I had to fall for the boy with blue eyes, an ass that won’t quit, and a dick that won’t stay in his pants.”

“Babs and I have been dating for years. We have tried to get married several times, twice before the Vegas trip.” Dick explained, reaching the very end of his rope.

“I knew it. You always did have a thing for redheads. I bet you got her a ring didn’t you?” Roy stood up and turned to face the the living room. “You know he never bought me a ring. We have been married five years and I have seen jackshit from you, Richard Grayson, but you go off with another woman and you buy her a fucking rock.”

Dick sighed and sat in a chair, not even bothering to respond at this point.

“I cook, I clean, I suffer through your mood swings, and I raise these two hellions all by myself and for what? For you to go and give my ring to someone else. Where is my ring, huh? When are you going to make me an honest woman out of me?”

Dick made a loud groaning noise and stormed out of the apartment, slamming the door hard behind him.

Jason looked up from his book for a moment. “Well, this is going better than I thought it would.” He commented as he turned the page.

“I am having so much fun right now.” Roy squealed as he took the ready made lasagna out of the oven. He may be just doing this to irritate Dick, but he was damn sure going to play the part.

The room was silent for several minutes before the door opened again.

“Come back to apologize, cute thang?” Roy said as he turned around. He was met with a very stern looking Barbara Gordon.

“Roy.” She only uttered one syllable, but she got her point across.

He sat down at the table and grabbed a pen. “Yes, ma’am, where do I sign?”

They quickly worked out the details as Dick looked on dumbstruck from the living room.

“Thank you very much, Roy.” Barbara said as she collected the papers and walked out the door.

Dick moved out into the hallway to follow her.

“Dick, wait!” Roy said in a serious voice. Dick turned to look at him, expecting some kind of apology.

Instead, Roy threw a leg around the doorframe and flashed him a seductive look. “You ever need a little something on the side, you know where to find me.” He said, throwing a wink his shoulder.

Dick stood frozen for several seconds before quickly stuttering “Not in front of the children.” and running to catch up with Barbara.

He could hear the Outlaws howling before he could even turn the corner.

When he caught up with Barbara, he could see her try and hide her smile. He caught her face between his hands. “Let’s go work this thing out.” He breathed in relief before kissing her soundly.

When their wedding day finally came, it went off without a hitch. The outlaws were there, but Roy was a perfect gentleman and said nothing to Dick.

The reception was pretty tame until the video started rolling.

“Hey, honeybuns. Welcome home.” Rang out from the speakers.

“Oh god have mercy.” Dick groaned as he let his head fall into his hands.

“Are you going to try and stop it?” Barbara said, turning from the screen to look at him.

“No. Knowing them, they have the source heavily guarded. By the time I turned it off, it would be mostly over anyway.” Dick said before gulping down a full glass of champagne.

By the time the video ended, the entire hall was in tears with laughter. Even Bruce was smiling.

Dick had given up, his head resting on the table. Barbara leaned over. “Are you okay?”

“Never better.” Came his muffled reply. He lifted his head and looked at her. “In the very least, we just got married so I don’t have that to worry about. I am going to kill Tim for hacking the system and playing that video though.”

“Tim didn’t hack the system.” Babs said simply as she took a sip of champagne.

Dick just sat there for a minute before letting his head slowly move to once again rest on the table. “You played the video. You cruel woman.” Dick mumbled into the table.

“Next time you’ll call me when you are in over your head.” Barbara said pointedly as she got up to go speak to some of the guests.

Roy sidled up to the table. “Congrats, honeybuns. You married the homewrecker. If you need me, you know how to find me.” He gave Dick a sloppy kiss on the cheek before leaving with Jason and Kori.

He didn’t see the outlaw again for a couple months, until he was on a mission and a certain red head appeared beside him while he was on a stakeout.

“Your child support check is late this month, Richard.” Roy said without a greeting.

“Nice to see you, too.” Dick said, not taking his eyes off the building.

“You know I have started seeing my yoga instructor, Ricardo? Very flexible. A much better lover than you ever were.” Roy teased.

“Not like you would know considering we never had sex.” Dick said with a smirk.

“Oohhhh, tell that to the photo on Wally’s phone.” Roy whispered in Dick’s ear before vanishing into the night.

Dick somehow managed to get through the rest of his mission successfully with Roy’s words still ringing in his ear. As soon as he had the time, he texted Wally asking him about the photo.

Ten minutes later he received a picture of him and Roy in their boxers spooning on a luxury hotel bed. He sighed in relief. He had honestly expected something a bit more risque, but this was nowhere near evidence of them having sex.

Except.

Why were they in each other’s boxers?


	3. Timberly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was inspired by a conversation I had with a friend and then a few other friends encouraged my nonsense and the result is this.

Tim knew he messed up. He hadn’t planned on staying out this late. His phone had died and he had forgotten to check the time and now he was sneaking back into the manor at 3 am. He unlocked the door and took off his shoes before turning the knob and stepping in.

All the lights were off and there wasn’t a bat in sight, Timmy noted with a sigh. He was about to make his way to his room when the lights flicked on. Timmy turned with a groan to see Dick and Roy standing there in their suits with their arms crossed over their chests. Tim was especially chagrined to notice the mischievous gleam in the red haired archer’s eyes.

“Timberly Janice Drake, where have you been? We did not raise you to be a heathen, young lady.” Roy said in a high pitched imitation of a southern mom’s voice.

“What the fuck.” Tim said under his breath. It was entirely too late at night for this kind of conversation.

“Don’t talk to your mother like that.” Nightwing said in a stern voice. “Now you listen to me, young man. Did you do the drugs? Huh? Or was it the alcohol? As your parents, we have a right to know.”

“You guys aren’t my parents…” Tim said, eyeing the grown men standing before him.

“Who told you?” Roy said in a horrified tone. He turned to Dick. “I told you we should have sent him to a boarding school, but no you said. He should go to my alma mater. It will do him good.”

“Calm down, dear. We can still work this out. Timmy, just because you aren’t biologically ours doesn’t mean you aren’t our baby.” Dick crooned as he leaned forward and pinched one of Tim’s cheeks.

Tim batted Dick’s hand away. “You two are fucking weird. I am leaving.”

“It’s because we are gay, isn’t it? You just cannot stand the fact that you have two fathers who are still together after all these years so you act out to try and spite us.” Roy cried out.

“You two aren’t even together.” Tim retorted.

“Just because the divorce is final doesn’t mean that we don’t love each other and it sure as hell doesn’t mean we are going to let our baby ruin his life by running around with delinquents.” Dick explained.

Roy walked over to where Tim stood and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. “Timmy, dear are you gay? Were you sneaking out to see your boyfriend? It’s that Superboy isn’t it? It’s perfectly alright if you are, Timberly! We will love and support you no matter who you love.” He kissed Tim’s temple and held him close. Tim stiffened before pulling away from Roy.

“Conner and I are just friends, not that it is any of your information though.” Tim said as he started to back out of the room. “That’s what they all say at first, darling.” Roy said with a wink. “I thought your father and I were ‘Just friends’ too for a long while, but then I realized what nice ass he had…”

“Where do you think you are going, young man? Do you think this is over? Um, no, you still haven’t told us where you were.” Dick said as Tim reached the door.

“Out.” Tim replied as he tried to leave the room, only to be pulled back by Roy.

“Not good enough, baby boy. We need details.” He purred as he steered Tim towards the table. They all sat down before the interrogation began. Dick leaned forward and started asking rapid fire questions that Tim quickly answered.

“So what did you do?”

“Stuff.”

“Who’d you go with?”

“Friends.”

“You know Bruce isn’t going to be happy about this.”

“You know Babs probably isn’t going to appreciate you two pulling this shit again.”

“She’s recording it.”

“Fuck.”

“Language, young man. A few more words like that will earn you a bar of soap to the mouth.” Roy chimed in. “I blame that rock music. It just ruins so many good kids. You know Jason was a good kid. Then he listened to that My Chemical Romance and now he murders people.”

Tim groaned and set his head down on the table.

“Is he hungover? Does he look hungover to you?” Roy said, leaning in to look closely at Tim’s face.

“What horrible sins did I commit in a past life to warrant me being tortured by you two?” Tim whined against the table.

“I don’t know, honey. Maybe you didn’t pay your taxes? Got one too many parking tickets? Maybe you catcalled a chick on the street? Could be any number of things really.” Roy said, casting a side eye at Dick.

“That was one time and we weren’t even together.” He grumbled.

“You have had a wandering eye since the day you were born, Richard Grayson. Don’t even try and tell me otherwise.” Roy declared.

“Can I just go to bed now while you two work out whatever your relationship is?” Tim said as he stood up.

“Sit down!” Roy and Dick yelled simultaneously. Tim wordlessly sat down.

“My mother warned me about you, Dick. She said I shouldn’t marry you and that any kid I had with you was gonna turn out to be a jerk just like you.” Roy sniffled, wiping away his imaginary tears with a handkerchief he had pulled out of his belt.

“What on earth are you three doing in my kitchen at this hour?” All three turned to look. Alfred was standing there with a dressing gown and a disapproving frown.

“Just making sure that Timmy enjoyed his night out. We were just going to bed now though weren’t we?” Dick said, turning to the other two as they enthusiastically nodded.

“Thanks for saving the day, Alfred.” Tim said as he walked past the butler.

“No problem, Master Timothy. Neither Dick nor Roy were capable of raising a child so I felt the need to intervene.” Alfred said in a faux serious tone.

“Dude, Alfred’s your dad now. Sweet.” Roy leaned over and whispered. Tim just groaned and ran out. He could hear the laughter behind him, but he honestly didn’t even care at this point.

He entered his room and locked the door behind him. He flopped down on his bed and put his phone on the charger. As soon as it had enough charge, it lit up and showed he had one new text from Conner.

_Congrats on the new dads._


End file.
